One Direction Manifesto

I’ve gotten decidedly too serious of late.  The best way I can think to remedy this is to fangirl about why I love One Direction, the English-Irish boy band who slowly invaded my psyche two years ago and has turned me into a 26-year-old tweenager.

A few things about the band as a whole before I detail the excruciating ways individual One Direction members have ruined my life:  Boy bands are pretty much designed to appeal to my ideal male aesthetic.  Cute guys forced into ridiculous outfits/situations/poses?  YES PLEASE.  The combination of attractive and silly is the Instant Highway to my heart.

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I first heard about One Direction when some adult bloggers I follow started falling in love with them and writing wonderfully horrific posts about the hell that is being a 29-year-old who follows every move of a group you are nearly two decades too old for.  Haha, I thought, how embarrassing.  But the way they write about these idiots is pretty hilarious.  And then I started…unironically looking forward to the newest pictures/interviews/gifs.  That’s so Louis, I would grin at my computer.  Wait, NO.  I don’t know him.  I don’t care about them….oh no.  I’M IN TOO DEEP.  Somewhere around a year ago I decided to stop pretending.  I love One Direction!  It’s embarrassing and wonderful!

Of course, there’s the fact that they are musicians and I almost don’t care.  I heard singles from their first CD on the radio and cringed.  But you know that weird transformation where unattractive people with great talent start to become attractive to you?  Well, this was the opposite.  Not very talented people with great attractiveness started to become talented to me.  It’s gotten so bad that at this point I legitimately don’t know whether they are a good band or not.  Their fourth album leaked online, and I gagged and fake-sobbed in the car with intense pride at how much they have grown lyrically and musically.  Are they still manufactured pop?  YES.  Do I care anymore?  NO.

Okay, I think I’m ready to delve into the mind-numbing beauty and idiocy that is each member of life-ruining boy band One Direction.

Louis Tomlinson
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Louis is my favorite.  This started because I felt very creepy loving a teenage boyband, and as the oldest member, Louis was only four years younger than me.  That was a suitably minimal amount of creepiness.  But what began as a crush of necessity has turned into an obsession.  Louis is everything I want to be!  Louis is loud and brash and obnoxious!

He loves pulling pranks and breaking rules!  He demands the spotlight and will force you to love him!!

He is horrible, but he’s protective of those he loves.  His brash exterior cannot hide his TENDER LOVING HEART.

He is a preppy pretty boy turned trash monster, and I support all his forms of “fashion.”

 

He will give you the most disdainful glance in the history of entitlement, and you will beg him to do it again.

 
Harry Styles

As the youngest member of the band, I did not allow myself to crush on Harry.  Plus, everyone in the whole world agreed that he was the best/cutest member, and I resented his star status.  If everyone loves one thing, I will purposefully love someone else (re: Louis).  But, I mean, whatever.  WHO AM I TO RESIST THIS MONSTER?

I read a BuzzFeed article recently about Harry’s disgusting descent into hair horror.  I could not disagree more vehemently.  While his baby curls are iconic, I think he peaked with the pirate headscarves, but I am more than happy to gaze on his messy man bun.

He’s clumsy, awkward, and the dorkiest rock star I’ve ever seen.

My heart is stolen.

 x Atop his castle alone at midnight, murmuring spells for only his own pleasure, scatterbrained boy-witch Harry Styles musters — for one eye-searing instant — the power and majesty of his magical birthright. Newborn stars whirl into being and fly up around him. The glittering smoke of the cosmos touches his hair like a mother’s fingertips. He is all things and nothing. He is cradled in the arms of the universe, alive in the physical and yet transcending physicality, present in time and far beyond it, skipping atoms against each other like stones across the clear pond of All That Is. ”HARRY WHAT ARE YOU DOINGGGGG I’M SOOOOOO BOREDDDD” shrieks the strident voice of Wizard Familiar Louis Binx from downstairs, shattering at once the frozen bubble of the infinite. “HAZ. I WANT A CUPPA. I BURNED MY TINY PAWS ON THE KETTLE. PAY ATTENTION TO ME”
Zayn Malik

MORTALS, avert your gaze!  Zayn is an angel trapped on earth, he is a gift for our eyeballs, he is the prettiest man in the world.

That is my full opinion on Zayn.  I can’t look on him very long without doubting his humanity, or maybe my humanity, or maybe the humanity of all these lesser men and women walking around on the street.

Just kidding.  Of course there’s more.  I also love that he got pigeon-holed as the “dark, mysterious one” when really he is just a shy little baby who likes to sleep and be alone!!  My heart.

Liam Payne

Liam Payne wins the Puberty Award, because HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

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From this to…THIS!?

He is a bit simple, a bit unremarkable, a bit just there.  Like a puppy.  Which is FINE, and people like that.  But I want more!  He truly shines when Louis gets his greedy claws into this good ol’ boy and convinces him to bump up the mischievousness.

Niall Horan

In real life, Niall would be the one you’d want to hang out with.  He’s funny, carefree, and is pretty attractive for a blond guy.

thatwrongthing: coffeeandniall: x oh my god though (✖╭╮✖) #NIALLCROMBIE AND NIALL#J.NIALL#KAPPA KAPPA NIALL (x)

But he’s TOO NORMAL.  I’m so sorry, Niall, but I cannot fully love you when you’re just a regular dude.  I mean, I’ll smile at your pictures and maybe even chuckle a few times, but you just don’t get my heart racing.

 fakeliampayneIrish princess

Not to worry, though, you have plenty of other fans to keep your ego up.

SO THAT’S IT.

That’s the boy band that stole my heart.  Clearly Louis and Harry occupy the largest corners of my brain/soul/hormone control center.  BUT ONE DIRECTION IS NOT COMPLETE without any of these weirdos, and you could not pay me anything to kick one out.

What an embarrassing thing to love.  Boy bands!  But being embarrassed has never kept me from screaming about the things I love.

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