About a month ago, I wrote about my half-hearted attempt to try Tinder. Since then, I have kept my account…quarter-heartedly? Eighth-heartedly? What I mean is, I open the app every couple days, swipe left on everyone, and close out again.
I know I’m not doing it right. I’ve tried prioritizing different things: first I opened everyone’s profile to see if they wrote anything about themselves. If they didn’t, I automatically swiped left. If they did, more often than not it was something like this, which also resulted in a left swipe:
- “I’ll Channing your Tatum.”
- “All kinds scorn SEX they is CRIME.”
- “My last tweet was longer than my last relationship.”
- “Pigeon King.”
One out of every hundred guys wrote something nice about themselves (my standards are so low, I literally swiped right on a guy just for saying, “Life is all about travel. I like animals.”) After approving of the bio, THEN I looked through their pictures. Unfortunately, most of the guys who wrote about themselves were not attractive to me.
So then I switched gears. I swiped left on everyone who wasn’t attractive to me (which either means conventionally unattractive or a super attractive guy whose pictures are all of him staring moodily into the camera). If I found someone attractive, I looked to see if they had a bio. Most didn’t.
Look, the point is this. Whether prioritizing looks or character, Tinder is not working for me.
I keep hearing my ex-boss’s voice in my head. She said I will probably remain single unless I lower my standards. “Be okay with failure,” she said. And that’s very wise and true. BUT. I just. Can’t wrap my head around the idea of starting a conversation with a guy I know nothing about. I know millions of people do exactly this all the time! But the very idea of it makes me want to shrivel up and die.
Just when I was complaining about this to my friend, whose online dating exploits led to zoo trips and make out sessions and male feminism, I found an article that put things in perspective for me. Titled, “The Single INFJ,” Marissa talks about how INFJs are simultaneously one of the most romantic personality type while having some of the fewest numbers of romantic relationships. Why?
We’re picky. But not in the traditional sense of the word.
It’s not that we have a long list of things we want in a guy. For instance, mine is this:
- Speaks English well
- Has a dynamic relationship with God
- Wants to serve oppressed people
- (preferably) loves to travel
- (preferably) loves animals
- (preferably) is taller than me
I don’t think that’s being too picky. But I am picky…when it comes to trusting people. As an i(N)tuitive type, I rely on my gut to tell me whether or not I can trust a person, and three pictures and a weird one-sentence bio is not enough to convince my gut that I should give a guy a chance. Since Tinder and Bumble operate within this picture/short bio paradigm, there is almost no chance of me finding someone on those apps.
So where do I go from here?
I don’t know! Maybe OK Cupid? Ugh, no, I don’t want to. Even though that site offers a lot more information for you to judge a person on, I read an article one time about all the creeps on that site and it…made me not trust it. So I’m back to real people in the real world, I guess. And historically, that hasn’t worked well for me.
Marissa ends her article talking about how INFJs should focus on themselves. And amen, sister! But I’ve been working on myself for 28 years. I’m ready for a partner. But…a partner that I instinctively trust and get along with well on a deep level and who doesn’t intimidate me…okay, I get it, I get it! There’s a reason I haven’t dated very many people, and no one for very long.
What thinking about this from an INFJ perspective has done is helped me realize something very important: I’m not going to move past that gut-level trust judgment. It’s a deeply ingrained part of who I am, and honestly, I quite like it. It’s led me to some really great relationships and protected me from some really hurtful ones.
I guess it all comes back to this brilliantly accurate INFJ piece:
So romantic. Here’s to being slowly worn down, I guess?