About a month ago, I wrote about my half-hearted attempt to try Tinder. Since then, I have kept my account…quarter-heartedly? Eighth-heartedly? What I mean is, I open the app every couple days, swipe left on everyone, and close out again.
I know I’m not doing it right. I’ve tried prioritizing different things: first I opened everyone’s profile to see if they wrote anything about themselves. If they didn’t, I automatically swiped left. If they did, more often than not it was something like this, which also resulted in a left swipe:
- “I’ll Channing your Tatum.”
- “All kinds scorn SEX they is CRIME.”
- “My last tweet was longer than my last relationship.”
- “Pigeon King.”
One out of every hundred guys wrote something nice about themselves (my standards are so low, I literally swiped right on a guy just for saying, “Life is all about travel. I like animals.”) After approving of the bio, THEN I looked through their pictures. Unfortunately, most of the guys who wrote about themselves were not attractive to me.
So then I switched gears. I swiped left on everyone who wasn’t attractive to me (which either means conventionally unattractive or a super attractive guy whose pictures are all of him staring moodily into the camera). If I found someone attractive, I looked to see if they had a bio. Most didn’t.
Look, the point is this. Whether prioritizing looks or character, Tinder is not working for me.
I keep hearing my ex-boss’s voice in my head. She said I will probably remain single unless I lower my standards. “Be okay with failure,” she said. And that’s very wise and true. BUT. I just. Can’t wrap my head around the idea of starting a conversation with a guy I know nothing about. I know millions of people do exactly this all the time! But the very idea of it makes me want to shrivel up and die.
Just when I was complaining about this to my friend, whose online dating exploits led to zoo trips and make out sessions and male feminism, I found an article that put things in perspective for me. Titled, “The Single INFJ,” Marissa talks about how INFJs are simultaneously one of the most romantic personality type while having some of the fewest numbers of romantic relationships. Why?
We’re picky. But not in the traditional sense of the word.
It’s not that we have a long list of things we want in a guy. For instance, mine is this:
- Speaks English well
- Has a dynamic relationship with God
- Wants to serve oppressed people
- (preferably) loves to travel
- (preferably) loves animals
- (preferably) is taller than me
I don’t think that’s being too picky. But I am picky…when it comes to trusting people. As an i(N)tuitive type, I rely on my gut to tell me whether or not I can trust a person, and three pictures and a weird one-sentence bio is not enough to convince my gut that I should give a guy a chance. Since Tinder and Bumble operate within this picture/short bio paradigm, there is almost no chance of me finding someone on those apps.
So where do I go from here?
I don’t know! Maybe OK Cupid? Ugh, no, I don’t want to. Even though that site offers a lot more information for you to judge a person on, I read an article one time about all the creeps on that site and it…made me not trust it. So I’m back to real people in the real world, I guess. And historically, that hasn’t worked well for me.
Marissa ends her article talking about how INFJs should focus on themselves. And amen, sister! But I’ve been working on myself for 28 years. I’m ready for a partner. But…a partner that I instinctively trust and get along with well on a deep level and who doesn’t intimidate me…okay, I get it, I get it! There’s a reason I haven’t dated very many people, and no one for very long.
What thinking about this from an INFJ perspective has done is helped me realize something very important: I’m not going to move past that gut-level trust judgment. It’s a deeply ingrained part of who I am, and honestly, I quite like it. It’s led me to some really great relationships and protected me from some really hurtful ones.
I guess it all comes back to this brilliantly accurate INFJ piece:
So romantic. Here’s to being slowly worn down, I guess?
It Is Trish 
Thanks for your link to my blog! I tried online dating once for about two days. Signed up for a free profile on Christian Mingle, and deleted it as soon as the first guy tried to contact me. With their free version I couldn’t find out anything about him and I wasn’t quite ready to commit to online dating enough to pay for it.
“Has a dynamic relationship with God” is on my list, too, and that seems the hardest to find. When I do meet a guy who has that relationship with God, he’s either not interested in a relationship at all or is interested in someone else. So frustrating!
Even though I wrote the advice to concentrate on yourself (and I really do believe it, and that building friendships is important), it frustrates me as well. I recognize that I wasn’t really ready for a relationship in my late teens or even early 20s, but I think I am now. I just have to find the right guy, and that’s more of a challenge than I was expecting.
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I hope a lot of people head over to your blog from mine!
It is really encouraging to know that I’m not alone in this Not Suited for Online Dating. Which is really unfortunate, because as you’ve noticed, it’s really hard to find a guy who loves God but also is really engaged in living deeply (I guess that would also be on my list, whoops, maybe I’m pickier than I thought!).
And you last comment reminded me: I think I subconsciously thought, for a long time, that if I just waited and worked on myself, a guy would appear as a reward. That didn’t happen, and now I don’t know what to do! :p
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Lol. This article is everything and more! I found myself bursting into laughter at how relatable this is.
Im curious to peek into the present! What insight has life brought regarding this topic, 2 years later?
❤ Thanks for sharing.
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I just found your blog through a google search on INFJs, and this post was like reading my own thoughts on a page. I am also an INFJ Christian, feminist, nerd, traveling 28 year old single. I gave up on online dating for the time being. Eharmony worked sort of… but after one guy had just gotten out of a mental institution, another one had anger issues, and a third had a wife and newborn, I was done. The internet used up my trust quota for strange men. Cheers to the complicated dating adventure that is being an INFJ. Great blog!
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Wow! We are twins!! May I ask where you’re from?
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As a newly single guy INFJ, I have had a similar experience with dating apps. I installed all of them, then uninstalled a few days later, after going through all the phases you mentioned. Instead, I joined a bunch of Meetup groups on things I’m interested in. I figure if I pursue my interests, friends will follow.
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That’s a great idea, Michael! I’ll take a look at Meetup.
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I know this is an old post, but OMG, that’s so me. I’ve always been SO picky when it comes to relationships, and I think you’re absolutely right, it comes down to trust. All of my attempts at online dating have been painful and gone nowhere, and waiting for a guy to take an interest in me that I have a simultaneous interest back in has happened…once. I hate that it’s so hard. But it makes me feel so much better hearing that others have experienced the same – because it seems like everyone else I have ever met doesn’t have this problem.
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I also feel extremely weird about myself, and constantly amazed that people fall in love simultaneously…OFTEN. I’m glad to know we’re in this together!
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Yep….but I still want you to win over me.
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