Personal, Sexuality

The Thing That Sucks About Being Single

I like to defend singleness.  I like to become very defensive, really, and point out all the people, groups, and institutions that are not doing a good enough job at validating me.  I stand by my observations and my exhortations.  But there’s an elephant in the room that I always pointedly ignore during those kinds of blog posts.

Because the thing I skirt around is painful.  It is far easier to focus on what I like about singleness (the freedom!).  And it’s easier to focus on fear, and how being single means I get to avoid the potential heartbreak of loving someone so deeply that I accept the inevitability of being hurt by them.  It’s easier to pretend that that is the whole picture, thank you, please walk away now. 

The thing is, walking alongside every positive thought about singleness is this ever-present question:  “Oh God, what is wrong with me?”  When people unthinkingly ask why I am still single, this is the question that leaps to mind.  Why am I still single?  Well, I’ve got a list of insecurities I could share with you.  Maybe it’s my personality, my looks, my dreams, my whole self?  Maybe I’m disgusting, repugnant, and repelling?  If you ask someone why they are still single, please know that, for me at least, you have now sent me into a tail-spin of self-hatred.

I could love being single if it weren’t for that question.  I’m not desperate to be in love, start a family, and settle down, though someday that would be nice.  But I am desperate (ugh) to know that I’m desirable.  I want to operate as a single person in confidence and self-love, but by nature of being a 26-year-old single woman in the United States, I carry around a heavy bag of insecurities.  There is always a part of me desperate for affection and attention, just so I can remember that I’m not totally unworthy of human love.

That’s as vulnerable as I can be for one blog post.  Even now, I worry:  by admitting this, am I even more disgusting?  Is my desperation going to turn people off?  But the thing I’m learning about vulnerability is that it brings people closer more often than it tears them apart.  And honestly, I’m not writing this so that some guy will read it and want to save me.  That’s a bit gross.  I’m writing this because I think I am maybe not the only single person with this overwhelming question dogging their every step.  And I want anyone who reads this with familiarity to know, hey, I’m walking this road with you.  We can be giant desperate messes together.

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “The Thing That Sucks About Being Single”

  1. Your not alone at all, there is a whole bunch of us out there going through exactly the same things.
    And its ok to have insecurities, but the most important thing is to love yourself with those insecurities. only when you will have the capacity to love your imperfect self will someone else love you imperfectly and vice versa. just don’t try and fight your imperfections, or find more in yourself, just embrace and love yourself.
    Self love is the best kind of love there is.
    Love from another being will come to you when its meant to 🙂

    Like

  2. Your such a wonderful honest and genuine person. Its high time to focus on the good things in and about you and let go and ignore the unnecessary questions by unnecessary people in our life (i know, a little harsh, but just trying to be totally honest)

    Like

    1. Of course you’re right, and I am on the long journey of loving myself despite the comments of others (either negative or positive). It’s a HARD journey, so I appreciate you pushing me a little bit further along. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s