I’ve been hearing a lot of podcast people talking about “being yourself” and how if you want to be creative, don’t worry about doing something New and Exciting. Just be whoever you are, and people will see that and relate and love it (or not).
WHICH IS VERY DIFFICULT FOR ME. Whenever I write a blog post, I think:
- Will people think this is funny?
- Will people think this is deep?
- Will people think I’m a selfish asshole?
- Will people judge me for using the word asshole?
- Will people think my graphic design attempts are childish?
- Will people unsubscribe?
- Will someone comment?
- Will someone stop supporting my work in Greece financially because I say something they find unChristian or wrong?
And let me tell you, those thoughts running through my head are a TERROR. All I really want from this blog is a place where I can be my dumb, passionate self – flaws and strengths and inconsistencies – and connect with people because of it. And right now, I’m like, 80% of my dumb, passionate self. I guess that’s a pretty great percentage, but I am an ALL OR NOTHING kind of person, and I want to bump that up to at least 90%.
During art therapy at HD, I re-did my tree project (first attempt described here) because we have a new girl, and I wanted her to have the chance to create her own. Instead of totally redoing my tree, I narrowed down the topic to my creative life. The roots (inspirations) remain largely the same – music, books, writing, inspiration, animals, nature. But the leaves (things I’d like to change) were very specific.
A bird flying from a nest that is actually a trap. Two hands letting go of an expanding heart.
I want my creative life to be free. I want to be vulnerable.
What does that look like, practically? Well honestly, it means I’m probably going to cuss more often. That is, at the moment, my most authentic voice, and I’m tired of thinking, “What if someone doesn’t like that word!?” If that’s the case, then I guess this might not be the blog for them. And I’m probably going to vlog more often – I LOVE it, and the voice that thinks “You look/sound/act awful” and “no one will be interested in that” is horrible and does not deserve to be listened to. And, I don’t know what else! Those are the two biggest things that I’ve been thinking about lately, and wanting to change, but fearing doing so.
But no more! Or at least, a little bit less of that!
We’ll see. I did write “asshole” twice up above, so GOOD FOR ME. Hm, maybe I’ll write about how I don’t think cussing is actually wrong…hahaha, which is totally catering to my “explain yourself to people so they will love you!!!” fear, but whatever. I’m also interested in seeing if I can pull together a coherent argument. So look out for that!