TEN YEARS AGO…First Snowfall and Low Grade Depression

TEN YEARS AGO

November 16, 2005

Gah!  I LOVE Lost and I HATE Ana-Lucia.  I love that every episode I’m left with my mouth hanging open, eyes bugged out, gasping for some sort of closure that never comes.  Every week–it’s just awesome.  I’m in love.

In other news, it was the first snowfall today!  Quite exciting.  Now we just need a good blizzard, a few snow days, and then I’m ready for spring.  But I do like snow.  I wish somehow it could snow without being cold.  Because I don’t like that.  Especially since I know we’ll have to be marching in it soon.  Ew.  Related to snow, my milk carton today was special; it had snowflakes on it.  There were only three of them.  Weird, but I was excited.  No one else seemed to understand the cuteness of it, but oh well.  

I took a nap after school.  I think I’m sleep deprived.  Which is weird since I get at least eight hours of sleep a night.  Whatever.  Curling up under warm blankets in the middle of the day is one of the best things ever.  If I had my way, I would totally sleep the rest of my life away.  Because when I’m awake, my life tends to fall apart.  (That’s paraphrasing a quote I found.)

After church was fun.  Talking to everyone during dinner.  Nathan showed up, now that football’s over.  Choir was great.  I love when we just sing through a bunch of songs without going back and repeating parts over and over and over.  And Bible study with Bruce was fun.  Philemon is a pretty cool book; I’ve read it but not dwelt on it for an hour before.  Good stuff.

Grandpa was there–yay!  His back still hurts, but he’s getting out.  It’s so weird seeing him in pain.  A 72-year-old who roofs and does crazy stuff older people shouldn’t do…I just forget that he is old.  But…he’s better.  It’ll all work out.  I really really want my husband to meet him, and Grandma.  So they’d better stay alive.  And my children.  And their children.  Basically, they can’t ever die.

After church we got Dairy Queen, came home, and watched Lost, which you already know was amazing.  Mind-blowing.  I’m completely and utterly obsessed.

“The problem with quotes about death is that 99.99 percent of them are made by people who are still alive.”


TODAY

Well, it’s immediately clear that I didn’t used to blog by anything approaching a “theme” other than “here is every single detail of my life today, including the decoration on my milk carton.”

Of course, every time I get close to a real emotion, the next sentence is “whatever” or “oh well.”  Poor 17-year-old Tricia, so trapped in her feelings.  And only able to express them when it comes to living vicariously through a fictional world like LOST.  I have definitely grown past that and never do that anymore.  Ahem.

It’s strange to read about myself ten years ago and see so much similarity, yet so much growth.  I still love napping, but now I know that it is my escape mechanism.  Which is, like, fine.  Some days you just need to be unconscious for a little while!  But I don’t have the desire to sleep my life away anymore, in large part, I think, because I’m aware of WHY I want to nap so much.  Scary emotions – like sadness, loneliness, and disappointment – aren’t so scary once you’ve named them and understood them.

I don’t remember Grandpa hurting his back, but I can still relate to desperately wanting both him and Grandma to be around long enough to meet whoever I marry (and my kids, and my grandkids, apparently).  If anyone in this world deserves to live forever, while healthy and happy, it’s the two of them.

Okay, I have to mention it:  with all my research on Type Fours, I am SO STRUCK by look:  Melancholy!  A fixation with death!  Wanting to be understood and mad that no one else appreciates the decorative snowflakes!  It’s like I was trying to prove I was a Type Four with this blog post.

I can’t tell if this blog series is going to be embarrassing or educational or both.

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