TEN YEARS AGO
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
I have slept and read my free evening away. It’s been wonderful.
Last night I had two really odd dreams. In the first, Joel…my pastor…invited me to a bar because he had some huge, tragic news to share. I assume to lessen the blow of the revelation, he bought me a green margarita. I don’t remember anything but the drink–and that it surprised me that he would buy it, seeing as how we are Baptists and I’m a minor.
Secondly, I dreamed I was escaping from a concentration camp of sorts. Of course it wasn’t so terrible as reality. I remember planning secretly with a group of others, among them Allison Brown and Josh Ng. We decided to paint ourselves green all over, which we did at a huge vat of green–something or other. Then we paired up as if strolling around peacefully (I don’t remember if we were still green) and wandered nonchalantly to a nearby parking lot. There we proceeded to cram over twenty people into a fancy car, somehow without problem or notice. Then I woke up.
I’m not really a big believer of deciphering dreams and all that, though I do think people or situations that are a big part of your waking life can pop up in dreams. But…Hope pointed out that green was a part of both dreams, and we joked that maybe I was really jealous. And again, I don’t know if I believe my dreams were forcing me to confront that…but it is true.
I am an incredibly jealous person. I hate to share my things or my friends or my loves. For a long time, I dreaded each addition to my circle of friends at school, because I knew with each new face I became less important. As time went on, I let myself life them, but still…I hate sharing those I love. And the things I adore…I like when they are MY obsessions, not someone else’s. I may try to get others to appreciate my love, such as Lord of the Rings or psychology, but if I ever produce a convert, I hate it. I have to say I loathe the Angies going on about their love for psychology, regardless of the fact that I wanted everyone to take the class. I want it to be mine and mine alone. Again, I’m jealous to a fault, and most of the time it’s completely unnecessary.
It makes me wonder if that’s why I rarely share my faith. Am I such a horribly jealous person that I don’t want others to know my God? Am I scared that someone will actually listen to me and become some kind of super-Christian, better and more faithful than me? Do I somehow dread the thought of losing God’s favor to someone else…even though that’s lunacy because God does not show favorites. Still I transfer human attributes to His above-human being…and I need to get over that.
“And jealousy…yes, jealousy…will drive you mad.”
Oh wow, I have so little to add this week, because reading through this, I just thought, “Yup, same.”
Especially in light of my Enneagram Type 4 meltdown, it struck me how much envy has apparently been a part of my personality for so long. AND IT’S STILL SO TRUE. All this posting about Hamilton? I am desperate for everyone around me to appreciate its brilliance and convert to its cult, but…y’all better be lesser fans than me. Or else every time you mention it, the words “ItIsTrish told me about Hamilton, and now I…” better preface everything out of your mouth.
This is my hypocrisy and my tragedy, haha. Sharing myself (my friends, my things, my loves) and then grabbing it back.
Other than that, um, I super want Joel to take me to a bar and buy me a green margarita. #lifegoals #bucketlist