TEN YEARS AGO
Friday, December 23, 2005
Last night was my favorite moment of Roy/Carrie visiting. Why? Because Roy asked Mom and I to watch some Lost with him (he’d watched the first six episodes while sick). So we watched one, and when it was over, Roy sad, “Well, we can’t stop there!” We really are siblings, after all. So we watched another.
Today they’re gone for who knows how long. It’s nice to be back to only-child status, being lazy, eating junk food, and using Roy’s computer and the TV all day without fear of disapproval. Maybe I’ll miss them later.
Here are some of my recent thoughts on my relationships with others:
- I am getting over past crushes by ignoring them…not dwelling on those few and wonderful moments deflates the pain really quickly.
- New crushes seem to be enhanced by dreams…I have vivid dreams of holding hands and staring into the eyes of whoever catches my fancy at the moment…especially dreams where I move around, and he kind of follows me. Living the life I wish I had in fantasy, I suppose.
- Just a couple minutes ago I realized that I am a lot like Moaning Myrtle (the flirtatious ghost in Harry Potter)…I imagine love and maybe think there’s a chance, but the guy is just like–ew. More to what I was thinking of, though, is how she leans into Harry (during the 4th movie)…but it’s not real. She’s vapor, or whatever ghosts are made of. There’s no real contact. It’s all in her head.
- Kind of a different note, but sharing my brain space all the same, I’m more pleased than ever at my decision to not date until college. And on a non-religious bent too. By staying single for such a long time, I’m becoming me….not me-attached-to-someone-else. I think some people never grow as much as they could because they’re always looking for someone to complete them. But I don’t really think that’s how it works. You take two fully developed humans, combine them, and you create something More. You take two semi-developed humans, combine them, and you create something Typical. I want to be More.
I love my iPod. I’ve got 359 songs so far, and that doesn’t even include the 20-some CDs in my car (which are actually my all time favorite CDs).
Oh, and I kind of miss Roy now. I know, I’m fickle.
ADDITION: I just completely ignored my thought #1 by reading old Nate emails…and now I’m nostalgic and mildly in love with him again. That was really stupid.
Two main thoughts about that old blog entry:
First, what you are not reading is MANY days of passive-aggressive confusion and hurt. Christmas ten years ago was the first time Roy brought a girlfriend home for the holidays, and I was NOT okay with the change. Back then I thought that the more people in my life, the less important I became. That fear is still in the back of my mind, but I’ve now added to that the belief that the more people I have in my life, the more support and perspectives I have access to. It’s nice to see an area of life where I’ve definitely matured.
Second, what a dumb wise baby I used to be about love! Also, I love that mention of Nate, the boy who loved Supertones and talked to me late into the night on AIM. I’m a little nostalgic thinking about him NOW, thirteen years after we first became friends. But that’s because I am still Moaning Myrtle (yikes, that analogy was very accurate).
BUT, the whole not dating thing? I have such mixed feelings about that decision. On the one hand, I agree with my past self, and I’m glad I’ve had so much time to learn and grow on my own. But I’m also super aware that my decision not to date was founded as much on fear as it was on any noble cause. And I think it would have done me some good to learn to grow WITH someone rather than alone. If I could go back in time, I would force myself to date around a bit in high school. I regret ever reading that awful I Kissed Dating Goodbye. #fundamentalistupbringingproblems