The most important thing we have ever contributed to the Internet.
I am prepared to submit my Definitive Dudes of the Decades Report, complete with illustrative gifs, whenever it is convenient for you.
Tricia: I’m ready! Hit me with some hot men!
Elizabeth: Okay, so here’s the situation:
I know we usually do jokey discussions for the blog, but this is a very important topic that is close to my heart.
What happened, just to recap, is that yesterday you confessed to me that you didn’t know many crush-worthy movie stars from the decades prior to 1980. And this is sad!
Tricia: It is sad.
I am eager to be educated about hot men from all times.
I will not joke at all.
Elizabeth: Let us begin.
Tricia: wait wait
Tricia: What is my role? How am I supposed to respond?
Elizabeth: I mean, how does your heart want to respond to these gifs?
Tricia: Ah, okay, I can listen to my heart and then immediately verbalize it without forethought.
So, my first man is not actually hot. (I’m sorry!!)
Tricia: You are not starting off strong.
Elizabeth: I know, I know! Douglas Fairbanks gets a spot on this list, however, for forming United Artists with Mary Pickford in 1919. They were the original Hollywood power couple.
He gets a spot for boosting his wife’s career along with his own.
Tricia: I am unimpressed. He is not hot and I don’t know anything about any of this.
Hmmmmm but okay. I do like a supportive man.
Elizabeth: He was literally the only male movie star I could think of off the top of my head from this decade.
So technically the hottest star I could think of from this decade!
Tricia: Good enough, let’s move on!
Elizabeth: 1920s – Many more options, but I picked Buster Keaton. Again, middling hotness, but hilarious and badass.
He did all his own stunts, which means he’s totally ripped under that girly shirt.
Tricia: Adventurous AND defying gender norms!
Tricia: GASP he looks like Mesut Ozil, a soccer player with Orphan Eyes who I was OBSESSED with during the World Cup!
A++++++ Buster Keaton
Elizabeth: LOL really?
He’s kinda funny looking, I think, but I award major points for humor
Tricia: I am occasionally EXTREMELY attracted to funny looking people.
Tricia: Bring it!
Elizabeth: Okay, I actually had some trouble finding a man I liked for this decade. Nobody came to mind, so I googled “top films 1930s” and was reminded of Clark Gable.
He’s not my fave, especially after reading that Anne Helen Peterson article about how he was probably a rapist, but I couldn’t think of anyone else
He is on the list, grudgingly, and only because of It Happened One Night, which is a GREAT movie
Elizabeth: We studied this scene in film classes in college. For academic purposes. *ahem*
Tricia: Hmmm, I understand your conundrum, but I’m going to give a hard pass to a likely rapist with grandpa pants.
Let’s move on to the 1940s. I have a feeling we’re building up to something beautiful.
Elizabeth: I do want to share with a factoid: Apparently undershirt sales in America plummeted after this movie came out with this scene.
Tricia: HAHAHAHA, okay, that ALMOST redeems him.
There are MANY good options for this decade, but I picked *drumroll*
Elizabeth: Cary Grant, the most perfect man ever created.
Tricia: Okay, description of my reaction to this gif:
Stomach clench, falling forward into myself, snort/laugh, eyes wide, “YES NOW I AM” in my thought bubble
Tricia: My word, what a man.
I have a thing for heavy eyebrows, did you know?
Elizabeth: No, I did not know that about you, Tricia.
Elizabeth: I realize there is a small percent chance that he may have been gay, but I 100 percent Do. Not. Care.
Tricia: Honestly, I’m usually attracted to gay men
We can live in an almost-blissful, though sadly sexless, marriage. I just stare at him delightedly. I can live with that.
Elizabeth: Yes. I would be completely willing to enter a marriage of convenience with Cary Grant to preserve his career.
I mean, he’s dead anyway, so that may be more of a barrier, to be quite honest.
Tricia: Fair point!
But I rarely let reality get in the way of my fantasies.
Elizabeth: Not that we would ever sexually objectify men, alive or dead.
Tricia: No, no. Only consensual physical appreciation.
Elizabeth: Speaking of which, this brings us to the 1950s, and Marlon Brando. Young Marlon Brando, to be specific.
Tricia: (I think I AM sexually objectifying them, because I know nothing about the work of most of these men and am only judging them based on…WHOA HE’S SUPER HOT
THIS IS MY EVERYTHING
The disdain! The EYES and JAW and LIPS
Elizabeth: Still a bit eccentric, but ye gods! those ARMS!
Tricia: This picture is doing less for me.
Too much arm, not enough eye-rolling.
Tricia: UGH NO OKAY IT’S BACK
He’s wearing eyeliner and I AM INTO IT
Again with the heavy eyebrows *sigh*
I’m very happy right now
I’m glad we’re doing this
THANK YOU ELIZABETH you are a queen amongst researchers
Elizabeth: Yes, this is possibly the best idea we’ve ever had.
Tricia: Let’s move on before I self-combust.
Elizabeth: One more:
Tricia: HOW DARE YOU
I want to eat his chin
Elizabeth: Moving on
TO BE CONTINUED…