Sometimes when I tell people I’m an Enneagram Four who has a lot of emotions, I can see them silently doubting me. And it’s true, in daily life (especially work life) I’m fairly even-keeled and logical. But one day I was listening to the Prince of Egypt episode of the Good Christian Fun podcast, and I burst into tears when they played a ten-second clip of the song “Deliver Us.”
Everything became clear: I express my emotions through fiction.
It is in books and movies and television shows that I feel comfortable feeling the anger, longing, and joy that lives inside me. This is probably why the only time I made progress in therapy was when my therapist finally asked me, “If you had to choose one book to symbolize your life, which would it be?” and I immediately said, “WELL.”
This is also why I can be embarrassingly possessive of my favorite stories. Here is an actual text conversation with my brother from a couple days ago illustrating how well he knows my neurotic mind:
I infamously got pissed at my mom when we were watching the season 3 finale of LOST and I realized she hadn’t been keeping up with the show while I was at college. “I just want to enjoy the thing you enjoy with you!” she said (as an Enneagram Two). I made her leave, because I didn’t want someone who wasn’t emotionally invested ruining my experience. When I recently told a friend about this, she said, “You’re awful,” and while I see that, I…would do the same thing again.
I see now that as an Enneagram Four, I very often conflate my emotions with my identity. I’m therefore very protective of them. I will not show someone The Fall (my favorite movie of all time) unless I am sure they will like it, because my heart cannot handle someone looking at my soul for two hours and then saying, “Eh.”
Now that I think about it a little more, I think that emotionalism is definitely present in me all the time. But I don’t trust many people to accept, let alone enjoy, the intensity of my feelings, so I keep them inside. It’s in stories, which are spaces inherently designed for emotion, that I feel safe enough to let everything out. So if someone doesn’t know the nerd side of me, they will probably be surprised to hear that I’m an Enneagram Four.
It Is Trish 